Tuesday, November 3, 2015

Evil Cat Stories

This is a sick world you humans are living in. I have never experienced the things that I’ve heard about, so I guess my humans are not as sick as the rest of them. These are just a few of the things I hear when other humans visit or when my humans are watching other humans in a little box on the wall. Honestly, I don’t understand why they sit around watching other humans in the box or how those humans got into that box, but that is a subject for another time.

I don’t understand why someone put a cat in a bag and why humans get mad when you let the cat out of the bag. That’s just mean, why would you want to put a cat in the bag? It’s dark inside bags and certainly not comfortable. However, that is not as bad as claiming that a cat took your tongue. Now that’s just gross! Why would a cat take a human tongue? That is certainly not something I would want to play with and it can’t lap up milk so it’s not even useful.

I realize that I’ve only been alive for 3 years, but I have never seen it rain cats and dogs. Did it rain cats and dogs in the past? I would think there would be cats everywhere if they were just falling from the sky. Is that how I got here? Maybe if it rains cats and dogs again we could keep one, a cat that is, not another stupid dog, I could really use someone around here that I could have an intellectual conversation with.

However, the most disturbing thing I’ve heard and it even gives me shivers to mention it, but who in the world is going around skinning cats? Exactly how many ways are there to skin a cat? And why would you want to skin a cat? That’s just horrible! I wouldn’t wish that on the dumbest dog. I guess all humans are cruel but at least mine just dress me funny and trap me in hampers, it could be worse.
Welcome to my not so purr-fect life.

Oh yeah, don't forget to check out my featured videos of superior cats and dumb dogs! Stupid humans will be coming soon.

Sunday, October 4, 2015

I am a Cat!

Ok, let me clear this up just in case you are confused. I'm not human! Is that clear enough for you?

I am a cat! I don't want you laying your big head on me, I'm not a pillow. I don't want you petting me with your feet, those big rough things smell! I don't want you carrying me, I'm not your baby. When I want your attention I will ask for it, if you want to roll around on the floor with something call the dog. He is more than happy to let you use him as a foot stool or a pillow or let you talk 'baby talk' to him. Gee, he really is stupid! Doesn't he have any dignity?

And why do you feel it necessary to pet me every time you walk past me? Do I bug you when you're sleeping? NO! And for Cat's sake I'm not a toy! I don't find it funny when you trap me in a hamper. I don't find it funny when you put your dolls on me. Mostly, I don't find it funny when you play dress up with me.
 Really?!? This has to be animal cruelty, I know there has to be some law against this. Is nobody reading this? Hello??? This is animal humiliation, I can't believe nobody is stopping this. You are all heartless.There has to be a number to PETA around here somewhere.

Thanks for nothing, welcome to my not so purr-fect life!

Monday, September 28, 2015

The Best Thing About Being a Cat

The best thing about being a cat is that you are everywhere and you are nowhere. I see and hear everything yet nobody knows I'm there, even when I'm sitting right in front of them they spill their biggest, darkest secrets without even realizing that I am right there listening to every word.

If I don't feel like being petted or having my tail pulled, (really my tail pulled, like I ever want my tail pulled, hello is anybody even paying attention to this tiny human) I just find a corner and curl up where nobody can find me.

It must really suck being the mommy of all these humans, as soon as they wake up their first words are where's mommy, they come down the stairs where's mommy, they come in the front door where's mommy. She can't even use the litter box without somebody calling out for mommy.

The human they should be looking for is the littlest human living here, she's always getting into some sort of trouble, like pulling my tail or trying to ride me like I'm a horse, seriously is no one ever watching this tiny human.

I always know something good is going to happen when I hear where is Alyssa, that would be the tiny humans name. That question is usually followed with somebody yelling oh my God, what are you doing, or why Alyssa!

Something must be seriously wrong with that tiny human. I mean we are the same age yet you never see me painting on my face or on the walls or on the floor.

Yeah it's pretty good being a cat, welcome to my not so purr-fect life!

Monday, September 21, 2015

About Smo

Allow me to introduce myself, my name is Smo. I'm 3 years old and I've been living with four humans, two short humans and a dumb dog for two years now. I don't really understand why these humans do some of the things they do. Are all humans like my humans? I'm going to use this blog to report on some of the stupid things they do. Also, don't even get me started about this dog Maadjc, pronounced magic, he does some of the dumbest things I've ever seen.